Hey World,
Yep, I'm still here.
This past week I got super sick...the throwing-up-life-hurts-can-I-go-curl-up kind of sick. Hot tea, apple sauce, blankets, and movies were my essentials and only friends. In between the movies I did a whole lot of thinking. Some of it was the thinking of a fever-raging brain-but it was still thinking. I realized that I had been living my whole life the past few weeks as if I were sick...I had been getting by doing as little as possible. I hadn't been acting like everyday was truly a gift from above-something to be used and to be
lived. I did what absolutely
needed to be done then just transitioned to what I
wanted to do. Something in there was missing...maybe it's just me, but in my opinion there's a difference between just
doing and actually
living. The same thing as the essence that bridges the gap between
surviving and
thriving. I discovered that for the past few weeks it was like I had been lying on my couch watching a movie of myself doing fun things, interacting with people, and doing school. As if I'd been watching myself do it but hadn't been in real life living it. parts were being skipped over, I kept sneaking tasks under my rug and stuffing monsters in my closet. Looking back on those weeks I realized that I looked like a person standing next to a full-blast siren and sticking their pinkie fingers in their ears. I should have been hearing all the wake up calls of, "You're leaving important things out, get off your couch" but I was just sitting there shushing them.
All these types of thoughts and scenarios ran through my red-hot feverish head for about 30 hours. When I finally got well it was like a flip had switched. Not only was I not sick...I was
living! Maybe it was this gorgeous spring air I started breathing, maybe it was the fact I had puked all the brain-numbing sugar and carbs out of my body, maybe it was a plain old mental wake up. But I knew I had to do something not because I just
wanted or
needed to, but because it would improve my quality of life and
I had to be in control of something.
**Quick Clarification: Surrendering my life to Christ and sitting back and letting Him work while having absolutely no control is a beautiful and absolutely necessary thing. Sitting back, being lazy, watching negative things/habits take hold in my life and not lifting a finger to stop and take back some ground? A harmful and demeaning thing to my life.***
Anyway, I got up and gutted my room/life and did a total re-organization-cleaning rampage. Let me just tell ya...it. felt. good. Now it's time for the hard part though- living out the part that I've set-up for myself. Keeping scheduled. Not being lazy. Yes, loving moments and being care-free, but first accomplishing tasks, helping out around my house, doing the schoolwork that I will be required to have done for that diploma I'll be snatching in June! Basically, I need to get busy on all those little pieces of life that I like to sweep under the rug and ignore while I binge and drink coffee with people I love. Because to speak truth, when I know I have pieces of my life under that rug I really can't give people my attention fully, or love them well because I am so distracted by the nagging feeling of incompleteness.
I don't understand why it is, but this blog seems to require absolute honesty from me. Good thing, too, because it's one of the few things in this world which I'm completely honest with. I cannot bring myself to be light-hearted or talk about little things here until I've first spilled my gut issues out onto the table.
Another epiphany that came upon me while I was sick? One of those things I had been sweeping under the rug was that I need to get a job. It's been bugging me almost every waking hour of these past weeks. Thinking about money constantly hinders my trust in the Lord and my joy in the every day. I finally just had to let it go. I'm not even going to try for a job anymore. After discussions with both parents and many prayers I am confident that I need to focus on school and
trust the Lord that money will fall into place because He is faithful to provide for the things He has called me to do ( I will be announcing just what those things seems to be very soon for those of you who don't already know). The Lord just took that burden right off of my back and I am so thankful. So very thankful.
It would seem that Somehow I saw the light in both control and surrender through this little spurt of sickness.
Another thing that's happening with this whole life-reconstruction is that I'm starting a Friday fast. Mostly physical purposes but also to take a step back from food and have a constant reminder of how ultimately unnecessary it is compared to the bread of life.
Abjo
