It's 11:00 am, I'm sitting at my cozy kitchen table enjoying the company of fruit juice and oatmeal. 1001 things I should be doing, but I'm choosing to sit here. Why? Because my heart, spirit, mind and body are in desperate need of some breathing room.
After meeting with a dearly loved mentor and pouring my gut emotions and thoughts to her-she is one of the very few humans who I can easily do that to-I was brought to the realization that I am suffocating myself, but worse than that, I am suffocating my relationships. Not only my friendships and familyships (?), but even my relationship with Jesus-my most important friend, and God the Father of all. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are my lifeline, my difference between life and death. It's no wonder I'm suffocating.
As a teenager I was always taught to look forwards to senior year as if it were the solution to all those years of confusion and chaos which are called high school. Well, I guess I had high expectations for it. I anticipated all my insecurities leaving, my future taking shape, and my life purpose becoming crystal clear. I imagined my friends and I driving places together all the time, soaking up our time together, and loving every moment of it. The truth? School still exists, is hard, and takes time. My friends and I do drive around and hang out a lot and it is amazing but not every moment is perfect. We still can disagree, still be moody and grumpy, we are still human. My insecurities are still clinging to me like a sea star holds onto a rock. my future is completely fogged, and my life purpose is not taking any particular form. College and Scholarship applications are long, and SAT and ACT are stressful. Also, tragedies still happen.
Because of these truths and the disappointment which they caused, I have been floundering my way through these past months. Loving moments, but secretly despising my situation as a whole. When I met with my mentor I had pretty much reached the point of ultimate self pity while still too prideful to admit it, and faking like I was just fine. That woman has a miraculous way of getting into my head though, and soon it was all out on the table, even though it tasted like medicine as it rolled off my tongue. But even though medicine is miserable at first, the end result of it is comfort. It is the same with confession if it is the right person you are confessing to.
She pointed out one evil which was permeating my life-social media. The discontent and dull mindedness which Fb and Insta can cause is unreal. I am now enjoying a much needed social media fast. She also pointed me toward truth- the Lord and my need for close communion with Him over anything else. Especially the need to simply be still before Him and know the pleasure of His good favor and love. Also, in the most loving way possible she showed me how inwardly selfish I was being and told me to pursue thankfulness in my heart. "Above all else guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life"-Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) Having an openly thankful heart towards the Lord will guard it better than any walls you could build around it. The condition of your heart determines the course of your life. Now that sounds an awful lot like the answer to all of my questions about future, and purpose, doesn't it?
It's 12:11pm, and I am now ready to begin my day. Writing is a sort of a passion of mine, this little blog is a place where I can let that passion run free and talk about real things. I pretty much love it. So read it if you want, don't if you don't want. It's just words. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes tragic, but always words. Maybe they will encourage you sometimes, that would be awesome.
